Yep, it’s Black Friday, meaning everyone packs themselves into stores like a bunch of salivating lemmings, all in the name of a good deal! Sorry, that may have come across as a bit…acerbic. Anyway, yes, it’s Black Friday, and you’re storming department stores, stuffing your carts with Wiffle Bats and Cabbage Patch Kids (they still make those things, right?), PlayStations, iPads and X-Boxes! You’re also rolling your cart over the bodies of those too weak to survive the endless stampede of rabid shoppers. Those poor, early bird consumers; they stopped to read a price tag or press a toy’s red button glistening under the enthralling, ‘Try Me’ text, a moment where their concentration was relaxed, which resulted in a lethal stampeding rendered by unrelenting, snow-booted sale-seekers! AHHH!
Yes, Black Friday is indeed a heartless b*tch. Still determined to brave the blood-splattered aisles of WallyMart? Still convinced you can get that ‘iLadle’ (the first smart ladle) for $10 cheaper over at Taarrg-it? Fine. If you’re really going to brave it, you could certainly benefit from the advice of a soulless, villainous space-god whose time is filled with subjugating planets and neutering the free will of billions of sentient beings before breakfast and after a game of backgammon with Desaad! Who is this champion of absolute destruction? Why, it’s none other than the lord of Apocalypse and immortal seeker of the Anti-Life Equation, Darkseid! That’s right, Darkseid.
Frustrated? Annoyed? Completely intolerant of the 536 people currently in line ahead of you? Sick of their sniffling, shuffling, snarling and chewing? Well, you’re not alone; a few of our equally agitated readers beseeched the Great Darkseid for his infinite wisdom on all things miserable. Read on, and you may learn how to apply his destructive perspective to your very own unique hell in this, our very first installment of, “Ask Darskeid.”
Tom from Raleigh, North Carolina asks:
Dear Ask Darkseid: I’m currently in line at WallyMart; I’ve been waiting here for over 3 hours without moving any closer to the register. Heck, I can’t even see the freaking register. Anyway, I’m going to be here a while, so I’m wondering what I can do to pass the time. Thanks, Darkseid!
Darkseid- Tom, you are a listless bag of unholy, clumsily cobbled flesh. Darkseid commands you to leave this line, immediately. Now, walk outside of the store. Now….stand in the middle of the street. Do not move. Darkseid commands you to ignore the horns and the screaming, and accept your blessing in Darkseid’s name.
Patricia from Pensacola, Florida asks:
Dear Ask Darkseid: I just don’t know what video game system to buy for my son. He says he wants X-Box AND Playstation, but he is ABSOLUTELY NOT getting both. He’s 36 and lives at home, but he’s a good boy. What do you think, Darskseid? Should I get him one, or both?
Darkseid: Patricia, your son is a louse, a bloated tick growing fat on your illogical kindness and overspent nurturing. The best your ill-begotten spawn can hope for is the soulless bliss of eternal servitude to Darkseid. Also, Darkseid commands you to stop doing his laundry. He’s more than capable.
Steve from Boston, Massachusetts asks:
Dear Ask Darkseid: I don’t like shopping. Honestly, I think it stems from my general dislike of people. If I had my way, I would live in a world without people so I could go shopping whenever I wanted, and nothing would ever be sold out.
Darkseid: Steven, I foresee great things for you. Does conquering planets and participating in galactic genocide sound appealing to you? If so, please pass along your current three-dimensional coordinates so I can effectively open a Boom Tube wormhole in your location. The creatures collecting you – while laying waste to your city – are known as Parademons. Please do not struggle as they lift you into the air and through the wormhole. You will either lose an arm, or tumble into the infinite, coiling membranes of multiversal structure, bending and warping in an infinite number of directions. I’m told the torture is endless, and the pain unfathomable.
And our final question comes to us from Rebecca in Denver, Colorado. Rebecca asks:
Dear Ask Darkseid: I went to WallyMart for the new iLadle, but it was sold out. Then, I went to Taarrg-it, but it was sold out there as well. The only thing my boyfriend specifically asked for this year was the iLadle. What can I do, Darkseid? He’s so very special to me, and I don’t want to disappoint him.
Darkseid: Rebecca, please look out your window. Do you see the flaming, churning war-planet hovering overhead, blasting cities to extinction, collecting and caging your children as a biological resource used to produce more Parademons? Do you see your friends turning to ash before you, and your loved ones – now adorned with Darkseid’s holy symbol – turning into lifeless automatons acting in glorious unison to make tangible the will of Darkseid? Rebecca, I implore you to think before asking such an insignificant, nonsensical question. Foolish, blind little mortals and their ephemeral little brushes of color against the universe’s cold, infinite canvas. There is no pleasure in subjugating you, none at all. It is a mercy.
And that’s it for this week’s installment of “Ask Darkseid”. I know things are especially rough out there today, so I hope Darkseid’s advice, guidance and understanding makes life a little more tolerable.
Have any more questions for Darkseid regarding any topic at all? Yes? Wait…Really? Okay then, be sure and submit your questions below; Darkseid, at his leisure, will be sure to answer them in our next installment of…”Ask Darkseid!”