Get ready to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day with 5 heavy drinking superheroes! Seriously, these people might have (actually, some definitely have) an issue with moderation, especially during an internationally recognized holiday acting as an inescapable enabler! So, whose drunken, armored or caped body might you stumble over in an especially rowdy, lovably filthy dive bar catering to those with secret identities and a penchant for dispensing eye-lightning after drinks? READ ON!
1. Yes, this one’s an obvious choice: TONY STARK!
Yes, he was a heavy drinker for a good, long while. And, he drank while utilizing the Iron Man Armor. Was this a good idea? Getting completely sloshed and adorning himself in form-fitting technology granting him the ability to throw space shuttles at rice farms in the Philippines? No, this was not a good idea. But, he had a lot to contend with back then. He was still in the weapons manufacturing business, and alleviated his chirping conscience by medicating himself with considerable amounts of Gentleman Jack (Daniels).
What does Thor do after he inverts the elbow of an especially ‘grabby’ Frost Giant? He drinks. What does Thor do after he repairs the Rainbow Bridge by binding broken fragments with his godly, golden locks? He drinks. What does Thor do after he replants the World Tree and hammers a stuffed, freshly defeated Jörmungand “The Midgard Serpent” right above his infinitely burning hearth? Heeeee DRINKS! Look, the Asgardians might be aliens, but they decided on the forms of Norse gods. And, as gods inspired by the beliefs of Norseman, they….drink. A lot. They drink a lot.
Wolverine’s been around for at least 100 years, possibly even longer. He’s seen a lot of terrible things and perpetrated a lot of terrible things, and therefore needs to forget a lot of terrible things. Alcohol is a very helpful noggin ointment when painful memories rage long into the night. BUT….he has a healing factor which (mostly) counteracts the depressive attributes of fire water. So, how does he counteract his naturally magnified counteraction to successfully ‘get a load on?’ Well, he drinks A LOT and he drinks it VERY FAST. On a good day, he can be mildly buzzed for 13 minutes.
4. Wonder Woman
She’s the daughter of Zeus, a freaking Greek god. Want to know who else is a Greek god? Dionysus; he’s the god of wine and winemaking, ritual madness, fertility, theater and religious ecstasy. Basically, he’s the avatar of excessive pleasure and binge-living. Wine is a very important part of Greek culture, and the creation and worshiping of Dionysus enables the reasoning behind it. So, does Wonder Woman imbibe? Well, she pretty much has to. Hell, it’s in her godly DNA.
5. John Constantine
He dabbled in Magic, irresponsibly and ill-prepared, and lost a little girl’s soul to a demon because of it. Sure, the ‘Hellblazer’ is certainly talented in utilizing the Dark Arts, but the aforementioned loss wears on a man. How does John Constantine deal with such a momentous error in judgement AND the current host of violent strangeness bearing down as he seeks to balance the scales? He drinks. He also smokes, but he drinks – always, forever, and non-stop.
So, who are we missing? Are there any more stumbling superheroes with perpetual beer-breath who absolutely NEED to be added to this list??