Batman is sick of Damian’s back-talk, and he’s had it with Tim Drake’s lack of commitment due to his extracurricular activities with the Titans, both “new” and “teen.” Anyway, he’s looking for another Robin and the word is OUT! Do you have what it takes to be the next Robin?
1. The Ability to Shut Up and Pay Attention
You need to learn a LOT, and 99% of it is essential to your survival on the street. So, when Batman is showing you how to effectively crush a man’s ribs with ancient fighting techniques, don’t tell him about your peanut allergy or your general dislike of Boy Bands. He’ll probably elbow you in the basal ganglia.
2. The Ability to Take a Punch
3. The Ability to Survive Several Strikes with a Crowbar, Followed by an Explosion
4. The Ability to Accept a Backhand if You’re Repeatedly Told to Shut Up and Pay Attention
The basal ganglia strike was just to get your attention. Now, with your incessant ramblings regarding the Netflix price-hike while training to escape from a derelict Russian Submarine, Batman has no choice but to seriously backhand you until you just shut. The ‘eff. Up. No, he won’t puncture the tank, but he will seriously crack your goggles.
5. The Ability to Survive a Fall After Dropping Several Hundred Feet from the Air.
Leaping from building-top to building-top is the easy part; it’s the sometimes unexpected descent to street-level that proves extraordinary difficult. Ask yourself: are you prepared to learn how to properly descend from a 10 story building through the application of several hundred back-flips and a cape that’s 45% hang-glider? If this sounds EXTREMELY dangerous, that’s because, well, it’s EXTREMELY dangerous. Sure, Batman will do it 3 or 4 times before he kicks you off a ledge, but…..Man, you can’t screw up. You really, really can’t.
6. The Ability to Use One of Those Grappling Gun Things and Swing Effortlessly Between Buildings
7. The Ability to Take a Bullet
You’re going to get punched in the face; you’re going to get stabbed in the crotch, and most assuredly, you’re going to get shot in the gut, leg, arm, or septum. It’s going to hurt, but you need to take it. You need to get back up and either disarm the Panda-suited “perp,” or find a more defendable position. Either way, you need to stifle those tears and man the hell up.
8. The Ability to Survive EXCRUCIATING Torture While NEVER Disclosing Your Mission Parameters or Your Identity!
Then, a masked fellow in a white suit with matching surgical gloves will start asking questions; the types of questions you can’t answer for fear of revealing your identity and the several hundred ‘in-play’ machinations of the Batman. He’ll ask again, but this time he’ll do so while driving a knife through your thigh.
He’ll ask again, while taking a hammer to your teeth.
He’ll ask again, while sticking a curling iron through your left eye.
He’ll ask again, while…Okay, you get the point. You need to be able to keep your sh*t together and stay strong. There’s a microchip implanted behind your right ear and you can hear its high-pitched whining. Batman is on his way. Just…just hold on, little bird.
So, still interested in the highly coveted Robin position? Didn’t think so.