Welcome back for another installment of our insanely popular column, Ask Darkseid! Before we begin, let’s pay proper tribute to our dark lord and murderous, merciless master, the universal answer to deceiving questions spinning about our mischievously murky, mortal brains: DARKSEID!
Let us pray: Thanks be to Darkseid, our holy father of infallible nothingness.
Who grants us peace through emptiness? DARKSEID! Who removes our debilitating hope, our destructive free will, our parasitic, fundamental need to care and nurture? DARKSEID!!
Who lightens the burden of self, removes the chaos of affection and recrafts us into perfect, thoughtless beings emboldened only to serve? DARKSEID!
Praise be to Darkseid.
Now that we’ve given thanks, let’s take some questions! What questions? Well, this week, we reached out to our listless listeners, vapid viewers and unremarkable readers, asking about the ridiculously mortal trait to procrastinate during the Holiday season. This weakness, this terrible imperfection – soon to be purged by the great, cleansing will of Darkseid – results in purchasing less than favorable presents during the final days before Christmas. Silly, silly flesh columns racked with bone and stuffed with marrow. Soon, your frenetic little foibles will give way to the supreme will of our welcomed, magnificent destroyer, DARKSEID!
Now, with Darskseid’s immaculate blessing, let us begin!
Paul from Mohnton, PA asks:
Dear Ask Darkseid: Yes, it seems that every year, no matter how much I try to avoid it, I always end up doing my shopping a few days before Christmas. My nephews like LEGOS, Star Wars and and Pokemon, but they don’t sell those things at Roger’s Tube Sock Emporium (conveniently located a mere 8 minutes from my home). Every year, I imagine the smiles on my Nephews’ faces as they open their presents, gleaming in effervescent happiness as they cling to items they actually asked for. But the reality is, they get socks. Thirty-six pairs of socks for only $0.99 – an AMAZING bargain – but they’re socks. What can I do, Darkseid? I just can’t seem to find the time to do some proper Christmas shopping!!
Darkseid: Firstly, you’re having difficulty organizing your time. Secondly, you’re commendably inconsiderate. These are not terrible traits ( I did say commendably, after all); the first one can be squelched by submitting your will to Darkseid, the second can be aggressively nurtured, shaped and crafted into a suitable vessel of impartial destruction. Please allow Parademom Designate 7,263 to escort you to the nearest Boom Tube for psychological reprogramming and a series of torturous processes granting magnified physical attributes.
Maggie from Denver, Colorodo asks:
Dear Ask Darkseid: I was going to purchase a bike for by daughter, but the one I wanted was sold out! As disappointed as I am, I realize this is my fault; I waited too long! What can I do, Darkseid?? All she wanted was a turquoise-blue bike with a pink basket and purple, butterfly-shaped bell!
Darkseid: Maggie, do not fear, do not worry. These feelings are transient, useless, illogical and unproductive, distracting from the continued fulfillment of Darkseid’s will. And this bike you speak of? This is a useless mode of transportation when your planet’s terrain is perpetually aflame, an unending conflagration imposed by immeasurable cannons spewing infernal fires from the core of Apokolips. Please allow for Parademon Designate 565, 456 to escort both you and your daughter to the nearest Boom Tube Station. From there you will enter Desaad’s Torture Tower to be psychologically reprogrammed and branded with my holy symbol.
And our final question comes to us from Franklin in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Franklin asks:
Dear Ask Darkseid: This year, I’m going to propose to my girlfriend; I’m finally going to tie the knot! I love her so much, and I can’t think of a better time to pop the big question. You see, she’s a HUGE fan of Christmas, of the snow, the decorations and the impending family gatherings. Yes, she’s absolutely going to…
Darkseid: Frank, sorry to interrupt, but it appears this ‘happiness’ you’re experiencing could potentially become viral and infect those recently remade in the image of Darkseid. Initially, you might think this barbaric and perhaps a little evil, but I’ll be sending a platoon of Parademons to destroy you, your home, your mailbox, your street, your city and state. I’ll also be destroying the residence of your family, the companies that publish your favorite comic books and each and every theater playing Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Yes, you will leave his world before seeing a newer Star Wars film that’s actually watchable.
Frank, do you hear a penetrating whistling growing louder and ever closer? That’s the first salvo of Apokoliptian smart-bombs directed at your present location. Prepare to receive Darkseid’s greatest gift, Frank. Your girlfriend can mourn the crater.
And that’s all we have time for in this week’s installment of Ask Darskeid. Have any questions, concerns, or anything you want to bring to the attention of ‘He Who Protects Us from the Diabolic Light?’ Then submit your missives and misgivings below! PRAISE BE TO DARKSEID! PRAISE BE TO OUR HOLY, MURDEROUS SUBJUGATOR!
Oh, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!