These guys should have NEVER reproduced. Never. Seriously, they’re either too busy strategizing and executing the end of all things, or preparing for and battling against the end of all things. Regardless of their position or perspective, these super-powered progenitors are way too busy being evil, self-absorbed, inventive or altruistic in order to truly nurture a future world-savior or curb-stomper of all things pleasant. These guys….these guys are definitely five of the worst fathers in superhero comics.
1. Odin-
Father of Thor and King of the Nine Ten Realms of Asgard, Odin is a demanding, unforgiving, surprisingly narrow-minded father who teaches hard life-lessons through questionable means. Want to teach your son humility? Let’s wipe his mind and send him to Earth with a physical impairment. Disapprove of his Earthly girlfriend? Why not task Loki to employ the Enchantress; she’ll seduce the hell out of Blake and get his mind off that pesky, mortal and unworthy Jane Foster. What an @$$!
2. Batman-
So, his charges aren’t truly, biologically related (unless we’re counting Damian who was “grown” via appropriated Bat-DNA), but Batman was very much a father-figure to the likes of Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, and begrudgingly, Damian al Ghul Wayne. Yes, Bruce was there to raise these boys and grant them structure and security, but emotionally, he just wasn’t available. Also, his “structure” included 36-hour training regimens focusing on deadly martial arts, deductive reasoning, acrobatics, strength training, and fear-gas tolerance. If a Robin proved especially resilient, Batman gifted him 45 days in Afghanistan with nothing but dental floss and a deck of Pokemon cards. To say his charges aren’t consistently spasming in horrifically lucid bouts of PTSD is underselling their mental scarring significantly. Oh, and Dick left, Jason was murdered, and Damian’s a sociopath. Eeesh.
3. Mister Fantastic (Reed Richards)-
Yes, he’s very, very polite, but only if he takes the time to acknowledge you. Reed, ever the brilliant altruist, is just too busy studying the microscopic Ix-Nux civilization in categorized dimension F:L: 231, or building another machine capable of detecting unusually volatile, multivesral shifts; machines that, incidentally, can only be hoisted and repositioned by the Thing. Anyway, he’s a brilliant man with a kind soul and he saved you, me, and every single one of us about 4,654 times in the last 3 months. But….all that inventing, planning, saving and dreaming leaves very little time for family. Honestly, the only reason his children are cognizant of a father is due to the great stone statue near the appointment desk inside the Baxter Building. “Mommy, who’s the man standing next to you with the stretchy arms,” asked Franklin. Sue replied, somewhat astonished, “Why, that’s your father, Franklin. He’s very busy saving people.” “Oooooh,” said Franklin. “Do you think I could meet him some day?”
I think…I think I have something in my (*sniff*) eye.
4. Darkseid-
He’s the avatar of like, absolute evil, and the supreme subjugator of freewill across all dimensions everywhere. Oh, and he sired two children who are very much like their father. Thankfully, his first-born, Orion, was handed off to his opposite number and granted a “normal” life in a positive, affirming, “stable” environment; this was in order to solidify a peace-treaty with his light-bringing counterparts on New Genesis. His other son, Kalibak, remained on Apokolips where he could mete out wholesale destruction and savage miles of infrastructure before eating rhyming unicorns and mewling Pokemon. He’s…he’s a son of a b*tch.
5. Highfather-
Why in the HELL would you hand off your son to the universal symbol of unrelenting @$$-holery?? Yes, I know; it was in order to solidify a peace-treaty with the likes of Darkseid and his planet of drooling thralls happily captive on the fire-hemorrhaging surface of Apokolips. But…but he’s your son!! And…and you’re handing him off to Darkseid! Do you think Darkseid and Scott Free will end up playing catch, uncountable hands of UNO®, read Harry Potter books and fish for rainbow trout on rivers of glistening candy corn?? NO! He’ll throw him in a windowless cell, starve him, force him to kill anti-Darskseid facilitators, and twist him into a mindless, unstoppable soldier existing only to serve the murderous machinations of Darkseid. Oh, and at some point, he’ll cover his cell walls in unreadable ramblings written in poop. Thankfully, Scott persevered, but…HOLY SH*T!
So, any more suggestions? Any more super-powered fathers whose collective weakness tends to be child-rearing?
