Wait…Superheroes Celebrate Thanksgiving?
Really? I mean…do they have the time? Doesn’t Loki stop by every Thanksgiving and attempt to subjugate the earth with an army of headless Valkyrie and 10 billion elite Chitauri soldiers? Doesn’t The Red Skull- more often than not, an android – mount an annual assault on the 4th Thursday of every November? Last year’s attack involved directing the Cosmic Cube at New York and saying, via loudspeaker, “You are all my servile little butterflies. Fly, fly away, little butterflies!” Of course, at that point, Captain America rammed him with a Helicarrier and ‘un-butterflied’ the shock-stricken denizens of New York. Lots of people still fluttering more than walking these days, but I’d say New York is about 97% recovered. Anyway yes, superheroes do celebrate Thanksgiving and they do have the time to experience said celebrating. What, exactly, are they thankful for? Well, it just so happens that I, Tiras Buck, intrepid reporter for The Source, went about tracking down some of our most beloved heroes in the hopes of sitting them down and asking that very same question. After I broke their tolerance or garnered a significant amount of pity, I actually managed to have that sit down with a few of our most valiant protectors. What were our heroes thankful for? Read on, true believers!
The Source (TS): Superman, you have it all; unbelievable, unrivaled abilities along with the respect and adulation of an entire planet. Superman, on Thanksgiving, what are you thankful for?
Superman: Well, Ti – Can I call you Ti?
TS: Well, not really, I would prefer Tiras if you…
Superman: Ti, let me tell you what I’m thankful for. I’m thankful for the citizens of Earth and their boundless tolerance; they opened their arms to me, an alien, collectively and absolutely. I’m thankful for Wonder Woman; she’s a powerful, intelligent, capable woman, and one heck of a kisser (Superman super-winked his eye). I’m also thankful for Batman, and my friends in the Justice League; I couldn’t ask for a greater group of adventurers to share in this crazy rollercoaster ride called life. Oh! And I’m thankful for chocolate ice cream and my super-powered metabolism. If not for the abilities granted by your yellow sun, Superman could potentially become super-heavy and super-rotund. Ti, chocolate ice cream is a Superman deterrent on par with Kryptonite (and then again with the super-wink).
TS: HAH! That’s great, Superman. Now, how does one go about procuring a signal watch? I ask because…
Superman: Well, that’s all the time I have today, Ti. Superman’s work is never done. Best of luck, old friend, and thanks for the Haagen-Daas!
TS: Spiderman, thanks for meeting me up here…in the dark…on a web between two very tall buildings. Uh…so, what’s New York’s favorite ‘Web-Head’ thankful for?
Spider-Man: I’m sorry, what? Did you just ask what I’m thankful for? You’re kidding me, right? I mean…right? Well, let me see (at that point I could hear Spider-man grind his teeth). Okay, here ya’ go; I’m thankful for J. Jonah JERK-eson, that critical, curmudgeonous editor and chief from the Daily Bugle, spelling my name correctly in the 563 headlines I’ve been featured in. Well, my name, and the word, “menace.” Yes, I’m thankful he can spell those words, specifically. If he couldn’t, he might actually have to write something a little more engaging, and a lot less slanderous!
TS: Wow, sorry, Spider-Man, I didn’t know he…
Spider-man: Okay, what else. Oh, I’m also thankful for my landlord and his superhuman ability to dodge legal ramifications after raising the rent 6 times in 3 months. Yep, definitely thankful for him…
TS: Jeeze, man, that’s pretty tough. Look, I know it’s hard here, in the city and all so…
Spider-Man: Yep…very thankful. OH! You know what else? Oh, this is the best; you’ll LOVE this one. Spider-Man is truly, truly thankful for the appreciation shown by the citizens of New York City. You know what happened yesterday, right? I managed to actually stop Firelord, a Herald of Galactus. That’s right, a FREAKING HERALD OF GALACTUS! He was about to turn New York into a #$%$%ing crater and I, Spiderman, your friendly neighborhood menace, ‘lured’ him away and into a thumb-sized wormhole concocted by Reed Richards on the fly. Oh, and by ‘lure’ I mean, I punched him in the face and into the mouth of the wormhole! Not 20 seconds after the fire went out on my left arm I felt something hit my back. Apparently, a bunch of soccer moms started throwing juice boxes at me, and then, of course, followed these acts of illimitable gratitude with a unified chorus of, “Spider-Menace!” Yep, thanks, New York.
TS: Uh…Okay, well…thanks, Spider-Man. I mean, I appreciate you. You saved the…(and then my mouth was covered with webbing. Spiderman shook his head, launched a web into a collection of buildings barely discernible in the mist-covered distance, and sprang out of sight).
TS: Cap, you embody the spirit of freedom, determination and hope in each and every thinking, feeling human being on this planet. You saved us all, countless times, from the Red Skull, Hydra, and the Serpent Society, not to mention all the villains conquered alongside your colorful comrades in arms, The Avengers. Cap, if I may be so bold as to speak for everyone everywhere; we’re thankful for you, Captain America!
Captain America: Tiras, son, that’s just the sort of gesture I’m thankful for. Not just for the thanks themselves – I’m not doing it for the sake of adulation– but for the gesture. The gesture tells me you realize just how precious your freedom – your right to think and act as a unique individual – is, and how it’s an important, powerful, and sometimes fragile thing. The fact that you offer your thanks…well, that tells me you realize just how important your freedoms truly are, that they’re a part of your right to exist, and always worth fighting for. Ok, that’s enough out of this old blowhard. Anyway, that was a wonderful, thoughtful question, Tiras, and I appreciate you taking the time to speak with me.
TS: Cap, it’s absolutely my pleasure. Honestly, I was pretty nervous before we sat down. I mean, you’re Captain America! You’re a living legend! It’s just…mind-blowing to me how warm and personable you are. I mean…
Captain America: Tiras, you put a clampdown on that silly talk ASAP. C’mon, let’s go grab Thor and play one of those fancy video TV games he’s going on about. He’s probably a little drunk on Bearded Goblin Mead, so it’s best to let him win a few rounds.
TS: Hello? Batman? You said to meet here, in this dark…wet…. (*gulp*) …especially creepy alleyway? Hello? Bat…. (and before I could finish calling his name, a thick, steel cable wrapped around my ankle and pulled me, upside down, several stories into the air. The ascent stopped, and I was left there, dangling. After 45 minutes, I started calling for help; I gave up on Batman making an appearance. Of course, at the very moment of my resignation, Batman made his appearance.
Batman (Growling): What do you want, Tiras? I’m sure you’re aware Two-Face has Gotham’s premier debutante twins, the Hucksterbee girls, held up at the Two Queens bank in the Narrows. The Hucksterbee girls are the prize daughters of Gavin Hucksterbee, a billionaire industrialist who made his fortune designing and manufacturing the two-headed ice scraper. I’m sure the allusion to the number two isn’t completely lost on you, regardless of your current state.
TS: Uh…Uh…let…let me down? Let..Let…
Batman (Growling): For every second I waste here, waiting for you to spit out a question, Two Face picks up his coin and asks fate to make a call. What, exactly, is he asking of fate? He’s asking this: do they live, or do they die. Now, Tiras (Batman pulled me in close, right up to his face): WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION!!?
TS: Uh…can…can you let me…d-down? I can’t f-feel…can’t feel my legs. I think…I think I wet my…
Batman (Growling more intensely): If you’re incapable of asking the question, I’ll do it for you: What is Batman thankful for on Thanksgiving? He’s thankful for those who don’t pester Batman, for those who stay out of Batman’s way so he can save more lives. We’re done here, ‘Ti.’ Tell your readership the mission doesn’t stop so they can learn about my favorite Thanksgiving side dish. The crazies don’t stop killing because they’re happy to schedule their psychosis around a 17 course meal involving highly carcinogenic meats and lethally salty stuffing.
At this point, I was lowered almost as quickly as I ascended. The cable loosened, whipped backwards into the peaks of indiscernible spires, and I collapsed onto the moist, glassy cobblestones of an old Gotham alleyway.
Holy sh*t, that was intense.
Wonder Woman (WW): Welcome to Themyscira, Tiras! I take it you find the attire pleasing and to your liking? (Yes, they made me change my clothes. For the duration of the interview, I was ‘asked’ to wear something very much like a toga).
TS: Yes, I like it just fine. Thanks, Wonder Wo…
WW: Tiras, please, call me Diana.
TS: Oh, okay, sure. Thanks, Diana. Yes, I like the attire just fine; I mean, it is both pleasing and to my liking. (You, dear reader, should be aware that, by this point, I was completely enthralled by Wonder Woman. Yes, she’s beautiful and yes, she’s the perfect expression of physical perfection, but these things are not the enthralling elements. Not truly. It’s her warmth, her glowing skin, her gleaming smile cracking perfectly between full, yet surprisingly delicate lips. She’s just…so alive and alight and radiant. Good grief, it was soooo hard to concentrate. It was also hard to form my standard Thanksgiving question. I just wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, about how much I trusted her and about the time I flushed my sister’s pet goldfish down the toilet. Strange, right?)
WW: Tiras, Superman told me of your inquiry, so I’ll speak to it now, if you like.
TS: Y-yes. Yes. Please.
WW: Well, Tiras, I’m thankful for a great deal. I’m thankful for my sisters and for this beautiful island the gods gifted us. I’m thankful for my friends who helped acclimate me to your wonderful world. I’m sure I was a bit trying at times, so I am thankful for their patience and tolerance. I am thankful for those who stand with me to protect those who can’t properly protect themselves; I was lucky to find in the Justice League a band of brothers and sisters uniquely gifted and equally determined. But what I am most thankful for, Tiras, is the ability to speak and share words with the likes of you, or anyone open to the beauty of peace and learning. There has been enough pain, Tiras, don’t you think? Enough scurrying and scrutiny in the dark, and enough suffering at the hands of those who think so very little of things that are so very, very great. I think we need to change the landscape, Tiras, one angry, frightened child at a time.
I’m not going to share too much about what happened next, but let’s just say I started to cry, and found myself being lifted up into Wonder Women’s arms and held until the crying stopped. I know. Emasculating.
And there you have it! We learned a little bit about what superheroes are thankful for, AND a little bit more about our heroes in general. Educational, right? Right!
From The Source family to yours: