The Additional Footage We Deserve in the BVS Ultimate Edition!

We’re getting an extended, R-Rated cut of Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice when DC’s superhero magnum opus hits Blu-ray and DVD on June 28th. How “extended?” Well, we’re getting an additional 30-minutes of previously unseen footage, footage that apparently grants cohesion to an initially volatile, sometimes incoherent narrative. So, what are these amazing scenes filling in the gaps and maybe, just maybe, softly mitigating or explaining away some face-palming plot devices and character behaviors that couldn’t be more devastating if written by a pair of drug-addled sock-puppets??? Well, I’m currently unsure about the contents of said additional footage, but I can damn well tell you about the additional footage we DESERVE in the BVS Ultimate Edition. I mean, believe it or not, I actually liked it regardless of my past, vociferous litanies of its sometimes colossal faults. But…it could sure do with some serious, serious tweaking. So, what do we need to see in order to enhance and repair our initial BVS experience? Glad you asked!

1. A Happier Superman

I was sick, sick, SICK to my stomach when it came to Superman’s portrayal. Sure, there were scenes where he was genuinely helpful, but he was consistently sad, relentlessly dour, uncharacteristically angry and completely detached. Oh, and he disarmed terrorists by knocking them through several stone walls at about Mach 3. THAT’S NOT HELPFUL, THAT’S HURTFUL!! So, I want to see a happier Superman, a Superman that doesn’t allow the woes of the world to paralyze him or discolor his perspective. I want to see a Superman who acts very much like…uh…Superman.

2. A Longer Batman Training Montage

Yes, people bashed Bruce Wayne’s training montage, a completely unnecessary scene because, well, let’s be frank here; being able to lift 15 more pounds after said training won’t enable you to shove that dump truck off your chest. Yes, it was unnecessary and even a little dated. How to save it? Extend it; revel in the silliness; make it 7-minutes longer and include Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” as the accompanying music. Intersperse it with images of Jason Todd dying, the Joker licking a shotgun, and Superman decapitating Jim Gordon with an exhale.

3. The Killing Joke References, A Death in the Family References

There were rumors that BVS might show a few flashbacks regarding the abduction/torture of Barbara Gordon, aka Batgirl, at the hands of the Joker. There were also rumors regarding scenes detailing Jason Todd’s violent, crowbar-induced death. Well, let’s see it! Let’s see the events(s) that pushed Affleck’s obviously more tortured, extravagantly brutal Dark Knight to the point of being more tortured, extravagantly brutal, and prone to arming his Bat-vehicles with armor-piercing chain guns!!

4. More Flash, Aquaman and Cyborg

We got camera footage of these cats, and nothing at all relevant to the story. Sure, Luthor’s been keeping tabs on Metahumans, so their inclusion isn’t completely illogical, but the way these characters were shoehorned into the film made their inclusion seem incidental, reductive, and almost disruptive. How about this:

We see Flash watching a TV at Best Buy, reacting to the massive battle including the oft-rumored Bat-person of Gotham, the Superman of Metropolis, and a mystery woman with a killer right hook and bracers capable of deflecting the always feared nuclear solution. He takes off, heads for the “point of impact,” and joins the battle.

Cyborg…well, his father is currently reassembling the biological remains of his son and trying like hell to tame an especially aggressive Mother Box. Okay, he’s pretty busy. Let’s move on.

Aquaman, already pissed about Kryptonians beating the hell out of the Indian Ocean with all that terraforming business, notices further rumblings and explosions which draw his attention right back to the confoundingly noisy surface world. However, this time…this time he makes landfall. And this time…this time he punches someone. Crap in his oceans once? Fine, you had a bad day and all is forgiven. Twice? A giant cave troll poops nuclear fallout into the Aegean Sea? Yeah, consider his tolerance-ceiling breached.

5. A Refilmed Version of the Fight between Batman and Superman

Firstly, Superman doesn’t fall for the same trick twice. He either DODGES using super-speed, or employs super-breath to BLOW the second canister of Kryptonite mist into the Atlantic Ocean. C’mon, Superman. You know what the mystery gas felt like the first time, so why in the HELL would you blindly charge towards it?? Superman should have known that the SECOND canister would be more of the same, and equally debilitating. Good grief.

Secondly, let’s reshoot the ending of the fight. No, Batman doesn’t win, and no, Superman doesn’t stay his bat-glove by discovering the uncanny connection between similarly named mother-persons. Nope. He heat-visions the hell out of Batman’s boot, punches him in the crotch and tells him, assertively, to “settle down and listen. Someone I love is in danger, and I need your help. Are you a killer, or are you a hero?” You want to give Batman a psychological wake-up call, you remind him why he does what he does, and for whom he does it.

So, any other suggestions? What else would you like to see in the additional footage from the forthcoming BVS Ultimate Edition??