Getting ready for a new Star Wars flick is serious business. And the Star Wars flick in question, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, is serious business. We’re talking Lucasfilm’s version of the Suicide Squad trying like hell to procure some super-serious plans to a super-serious weapon capable of melting planets and, of course, the entirety of the Rebellion. So, if you didn’t catch my earlier implication, it’s a suicide mission, meaning Rogue Squadron will be a few members short before handing off said plans to said perpetually-under-the-gun Rebellion. Well….enough of this looming, pervading, threatening darkness. Enough of this constant serving of sci-fi seriousness. Let’s enjoy the wonder, the laughter, and the utter absurdity of Star Wars with twenty Star Wars GIFs that will effectively reaffirm your love of Star Wars.…and perhaps the internet.
So, in no particular order….
1. Beware of the Surprisingly Speedy Brand of Galloping AT-ATs
They start out slowly and make great, hulking targets for less accurate members of any Snowspeeder vanguard. Unfortunately, once you successfully lodge a harpoon in their posterior, they become EXTREMELY aggressive.
2. Han Will Always Dismiss Analysis During a Firefight
Dude, now is NOT the time for fancy numbers or flow-charts tracking the excessive rate of impending failure. Just SHUT UP and let the man save our collective space-asses!
3. Yes, You Wore Each of These
Shut up. Don’t deny it. This is how you dressed for Halloween. And, incidentally, these are the only three outfits hanging from the closet of your perfectly brain-washed 8-year-old. He’s an elementary school star, but he’s forgotten how to chew considering he’s only able to ingest liquids through a straw penetrating the eye-slits.
4. Because Sometimes, Feelings Can’t Be Controlled
When you work together, train together and live together, you really get to know a person (or alien Jedi Master). Honestly, this is the perfect storm when it comes to the unexpected development of ‘stronger’ feelings. When Luke had to cut said training short and rush to the aid of his friends, he left a Skywalker-shaped hole in Yoda’s heart. Awwww.
5. Mind Your Surroundings
You’re an especially tall, cloned foot soldier for the Empire. And because you’re like, the 37th generation cloned from degrading biological material, your brain capacity is limited to breathing, shooting, marching, and remaining completely silent when confronted with Birthday cake. Spatial recognition? That wasn’t on the list. You’re barely capable of defecating in a bucket, so we’ll forgive you for misjudging the amount of space between your head and a door frame.
6. Watch It, Forget It
Remember the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special, a made-for-TV-movie all about Chewbacca’s family celebrating the holidays in their weird Wookie ways? If you do, I’m sorry; I realize I just undermined 30-plus years of therapy. Anyway, the above rascal is Chewbacca’s son. Yep, he sure is cute. Wait, is Grandpa watching a titillating VR concert featuring Donna Summers? NEXT!
7. All the Support You Need
When Kylo thinks it’s a good idea, it’s usually a good idea. Unless it’s being nice to children, applying pink bows to a kitten’s whiskers or allotting warm blankets to the homeless, Kylo will immediately offer support with a gracious “thumbs-up.” Patricide? Yeah, two thumbs-up.
8. For That Full-Body Shine…
Look, this is the only way to properly dry the shaggy body-mane of Chewbacca the Wookie! You let it dry naturally, or even with a towel, and you’re left trying to rake through split-ends with a, well, space-rake. A laser space-rake.
9. A Well-Fed Porkins Is a Relatively Attentive Porkins
Porkins has low blood sugar, so when hunger strikes, not even the Battle of Yavin can prevent Porkins from diving into his packed lunch. Look, do you want him getting dizzy and veering into the rest of his attack wing converging in strike-ready formation? No, you don’t. Unfortunately, he might be distracted after spilling space-soda all over the thrust console. Whoopsies.
10. The Surface of Dagobah Is Swampy, and Mostly Uneven
If the Jedi Master isn’t using the Force to float several inches above any given surface, an embarrassing collapse is usually the result.
11. You’re a Poor Winner
Look, you took out an unarmed Moisture Farmer. This is not a big deal. Stop acting like you wrestled a Bantha with two limbs tied behind your back, tied to another Bantha.
12. Don’t Be Gentle with It
The Millennium Falcon is a little old and a little stubborn; controls stick and dependable functionality sometimes works on a delay. Want to guarantee the Falcon expresses your commands in a timely fashion? Punch it. Punch the f### out of it.
13. The Empire Supports a Healthy Diet
One of the first edicts of the Empire was to inflict healthy eating habits upon those within its firm, intergalactic grip. Regardless of age or stature, if you’re caught ignoring these edicts and consuming a concoction capable of removing paint from a Y-Wing fighter…yeah, there’s a Sith Lord Force-crush in your immediate future.
Be like Chewbacca and take it slow. Take it chill. The Falcon will work when it wants to work. The Empire, in some form or another, will always exist to rebel against, so….just recuse yourself from all this drama, man.
15. Courtesy Is Not Limited to Biological Life Forms
Everyone, and everything, reacts more positively to kindness. It’s easy to be rude and dismissive. Be better. Take a moment and acknowledge the plight of your fellow mechanical/biological brother and help make your collective, seriously ephemeral existence in a never-ending void a little more bearable.
16. Don’t Take a Blame Bath
It happened, and you really couldn’t control it. Look, you failed to keep a bad situation from turning worse, but at least you tried. I mean, the odds were terrible (even though you were told about them), but you gave it a go. Don’t sit there and simmer, or attempt to hide your naturally occurring indifference. Just shrug it off, bury the fallen, and…uh….try harder next time.
17. Ewoks Are Happy Drunks
He’s not going to eat you. Not anymore. In fact, after his 75th wooden ball filled with forest ale, he’s just going to want to push a few buttons and ask you to sing the next line in their alien space-song. It’s mostly repeating a chorus, so you won’t embarrass yourself.
18. Space Is Scary
It’s an infinite void filled with an infinite supply of potential enemies. Sometimes they just slam themselves onto the space-glass of your cockpit and start unraveling coils of acidic incisors evolved specifically to render flesh to cheese stew. Yep, let the screaming begin…NOW!
19. You Can’t Choose Your Parents
Nope, you can’t break the biological ties that bind. You can, however, resume your training and kick your father’s ass at a later date. I mean, c’mon; the guy just cut off your hand. He has it coming.
20. Wait for it….
He’s currently immersed in a regular hibernation cycle. Just hit ‘CONTROL F’ on your wristwatch and he’ll be back to finishing that treehouse in no time!