Batman, for all his skills and the effectively terrifying demeanor, is just a man. You are also…just a man. What does this mean? It means that you, a man condemned by gravity and without super-strength, heat-vision, or skin hard enough to stifle a trembling tectonic plate, could very well become Batman. How? Well, it just so happens I know EXACTLY how to become Batman in 5 easy steps. All it takes is a little determination, a little back-up, and a willingness to hurt yourself severely several times a day. Still interested? Good. Here we go.
1. Procure yourself a faithful Manservant.
Yes, this is the very first step since you’ll need his emotional support during your Batman-themed vision quest. You’ll also need him to staple your nose back onto your face, and generally keep you stitched together as you…uh…”advance” along the road to becoming Batman. Yes, you’ll need someone with medical experience, the ability to fight, and the ability to properly remove crusts from sandwiches and avocados from salads (Eeew! Mushy!). But, he’s ESPECIALLY necessary because you’re going to need a shoulder to cry on, and someone who knows how to secure severed limbs to a freshly drawn and quartered torso immediately after you…
2. Instigate your very own traumatic event.
Batman lost his parents when a mugger, well, mugged them at gun point; Thomas Wayne went for the gun, the mugger panicked, and the tragedy that bore the World’s Greatest Detective went down in history as ‘the tragedy that bore the World’s Greatest Detective.’ So, yes, to be like Batman, one must earn the appropriate, psychological scarring comparable to the loss of loved ones brutally murdered in your immediate vicinity.
Okay, so you don’t want to sacrifice any loved ones to the cause. Fine. Completely understandable. BUT…you absolutely need that triggering, traumatic event to properly set you on the correct, pain-soaked Bat-path!
A few alternatives-
a. Spill hot coffee on your crotch.
b. Let your nephew throw a baseball at your crotch.
c. Wrestle a wild animal, preferably a bear. If not a bear, then at least 3-5 dogs.
d. If you live in the city, purchase a bear trap. After receiving your bear trap in 3-5 business days, place your leg in the bear trap…and try to wrestle your way out of it.
3. Train, B*tch!
You procured your manservant. He reattached your calf muscle after you chewed through it in order to free yourself from the bear trap. The fact that you were caught in a bear trap for 72 hours before chewing through your own calf muscle has left you significantly, and chronically, traumatized. I’d say it’s time to learn the necessary fighting disciplines and various methods of deductive reasoning in order to truly become a vindictive, surgical, and indefatigable vigilante whose shift starts now, and ends at the apocalypse!
Unfortunately, due to financial constraints and your job at Sears Hardware, you won’t be traveling the world for ten or so years and learning from master fighters and brilliant thinkers. However, your manservant (if you chose well and he comes with fighting experience), can spar with you for countless hours using knives, table saws, lamp posts, and whatever else a drug-addled pimp might attack you with.
Need to learn about anatomy, criminology, psychology, engineering, blood spatter analysis, bomb disposal, bomb creation, fifteen-hundred other subjects I’m not going to list and Hot Yoga? The internet.
And while you’re training, you should be spending time….
4. Constructing your cave, your car, your costume and your cool, Bat-themed, crime-fighting gadgets!
You need a base of operations; a place to train and a place to lie low after your manservant removes the shark teeth from your bladder and the mailbox from your….end-part.
It’s a place to store your computer, and fashion your unique crime-fighting implements. If you’ve done the necessary internet reading, you know duct tape and Christmas lights do not make an effective grappling gun. However, the Batarangs fashioned from your brother’s collection of hockey sticks are surprisingly functional.
Your car? You’re going to need a lot of black spray paint, a fuselage from a derelict jet plane and an old police siren. Look, you’re just starting out. It’ll get better.
Your costume? Here you go:
Anyway, there’s only one more thing you’ll need to be the best crime fighter you can be (in the time allowed with very limited resources and that pesky goiter)…
5. Procuring a side-kick.
Let’s face it; you’re going to need an agreeable human shield. You need someone to carry all your duct-taped Bat-gear and someone to step in front of you when the fight goes south. You’ll also need someone to run from the police and return to post bail when they nab you applying a chokehold to a 15-year-old shoplifter.
Where does one procure a side-kick?
Honestly, any fast-food restaurant is stuffed to the gills with disaffected teens, so when you order a super-sized meat slab at the counter, ask the kid if he’s interested in fighting the never-ending war on crime and chemically magnified cholesterol products artificially colored and shaped to resemble foodstuff.
And there you have it! The 5 steps to becoming Batman. Easy, right? Right.