The DC Universe is a very dangerous place. Yes, it’s filled with extraordinarily powered wonders, but sometimes those wonders want to hurl the moon at your above ground pool, or pick a fight with other, more morally aligned super-persons in an effort to be the dominant…uh…super-person. So, amidst all the “normal” obstacles one has to overcome during the hustle and bustle of the “average” day, one must also negotiate the collateral tragedies and severe butchery of infrastructure at the hands of conflicting super-persons. Why put yourself at risk? Because you need to live, and you need to make a living.
With that said, it should come as no surprise that certain careers and places of employment actually attract the dangerous metahuman contingent. To significantly decrease your mortality rate, and increase your chances of receiving a paycheck and NOT a cybernetic limb, I’ve compiled a list of the 10 most dangerous jobs in the DC universe. Seriously, I don’t really care how much they pay, or how gratuitous the benefits packages appear. Stay the hell away from these places and positions if you want to support your family with something other than a potentially lucrative, wrongful death suit.
1. A Cub Reporter for the Daily Planet
Yep, the newbies are immediately thrust into the fire…so to speak, and more often than not, quite literally. Metallo trying out his new rapid-fire, Kryptonite ribcage resulting in 1200 deaths, the destruction of 3 trains, and the absolute murder of 17 city blocks? Yeah, you’re up, newbie. And don’t forget to ask Metallo if he spells Corben with an “e” or an “i.”
2. A Police Officer in Gotham City
You’re not just dealing with your average, run of the mill drunken malcontents, purse-snatchers, burglars, drug-peddlers, gang wars or mafia coups; you’re dealing with a collection of extremely volatile mass murderers who usually adhere to more…thematic atrocities. Trust me, a dependable head-shot is far more pleasant than giggling to death, having your testicles frozen and kicked off, or a man-sized venus fly trap drooling acidic pollen over your previously nibbled-upon entrails.
3. A Man on Themyscira
If a company asks you to visit Themyscira and negotiate trade relations – AND you’re a man – I suggest you make passionate love to your current partner and thank him or her for the memories. Sure, Wonder Woman might not hollow out your knee and carve an extravagantly ornate spittoon, but there’s a 99% chance she won’t be there when you arrive. So, within 8 seconds of disembarking the company hovercraft, you’re going to be lassoed to a Minotaur, slathered in Medusa’s dung and carried through waves of drunken Amazonians who will, with untold strength and accuracy, kick you repeatedly in the “evil man gourds.”
4. A Henchman for the Joker
Yes, the pay is outlandish, and the breadth of his resources is mind-boggling, but he could spray Agent Orange into your eyes on a whim. Or, he could make you a test subject for his latest strain of Joker gas that, in addition to lethal, suffocating laughter, creates an insatiable hunger for human feces. Or, he could feed you to his pet tiger, Jonas. Or, he could affix you with the sign “Dead Weight,” and drop you from a building and through the cockpit of the Batmobile. Or, he could skin you alive and spool your previously flayed flesh around a candy apple. Or, he could….
5. A Green Lantern
What????? But a Green Lantern wears, like, the most powerful weapon in the universe on their respective finger-part!! This glowing, seemingly innocuous trinket is actually powered by an unlimited, malleable energy dispersed, shaped and structured according to the wearer’s will. It’s, like, your thoughts given unbreakable form. With such a weapon, you would think any galactic disturbance would be one thought away from effortless mitigation.
Unfortunately, there are other ring-bearing corps drawing from additional, infinite wellsprings of mutable energy located in the emotional spectrum, and unfortunately, they’re out of their minds. Additionally, a Green Lantern often runs into comparably powered threats. Green Lanterns aren’t here to rescue your Mitraggian Cat-Bot from a tree, they’re here to stop Superboy Prime from punching your planet, and your timeline, into the lonely, infinite abyss of nonexistence.
6. A Scientist at S.T.A.R. Labs
Seriously, if you work at this veritable mecca of metahuman activity, you’re asking for it. From the Flash stopping by with complaints regarding a lackluster Speed Force, to Superman dropping off Livewire for some invasive, hopefully beneficial corrective surgery, S.T.A.R. Labs is a hub of dangerous metahuman activity.
Not only are you dealing with invading super-persons demanding the whereabouts of their recently “detained” super-compatriots, you’re dealing with superheroes suffering from the occasional, destructive, uncontrollable power spike.
Remember the aforementioned, lackluster connection to the Speed Force? Remember when it was decided to augment the connection by widening the dimensional portal through which the Speed Force enters 3D space? Remember the 74,546 people that were killed when excess Speed Force sped up metabolisms to the point of not-spontaneous-at-all, human combustion? Of course you don’t. This f***-up was so severe, so catastrophic, the Flash went back in time and…uh….fixed it. And yes, everyone has gills now, but retrofitting the Multiverse is more of an art, and less an exact science.
7. An Intern at LexCorp
Luthor will either scream, “Shield me, peon,” and place you immediately between himself and Superman to mitigate the unpleasant effects of heat-vision, or throw you off a building to effectively distract Superman from an always clever, predetermined escape. Oh, and he might ask for a sample of your DNA to mix with the likes of an ancient, Kryptonian war-beast capable of punching continents below sea level. You should….you should not work here.
8. One-half of Firestorm
Now, financially, this isn’t very rewarding, but the knowledge you’ll gain splitting and reconfiguring the building blocks of reality is…priceless. Yes, if you can tolerate sharing a brain/body with the likes of another individual, and the somewhat off-putting smell of another’s brain/body, you’re the perfect candidate for one-half of Team Firestorm!
Although…if one of you is NOT a brilliant scientist, you’ll probably spend a lot of time separating water into hydrogen and oxygen until you’re bored enough to attempt suicide by transforming your atoms into bread crust.
9. IT Support at the JLA Watchtower
When super-computers go down, they go down hard. And no, the Justice League’s bleeding edge mainframe and subsequent swarm of nearly conscious hard drives and servers will NEVER suffer from the likes of laughable, human-coded computer maladies like the dreaded ‘ILOVEYOU’ virus. No, when the JLA watchtower suffers computer malfunctions, it’s usually due to the likes of an invasive Braniac algorithm, a dark god of Apokolips inserting a micro Mother Box into the hard drive via more stealthy Boom Tube tech, or….someone with asteroids for fists pummeling the hell out of several hundred accessible computer ports.
QUICK TIP: If the computer you’re running diagnostics on suddenly body slams you with a pair of robotic tendrils, it’s time to hit the panic button.
If you’re the dominant species of a planet currently under siege by the great, blocky fist of anti-existence that is Darkseid, you’re bound to be captured and biologically massacred until your successful transformation into one of Darkseid’s mindless foot soldiers. The benefits? Well, your only concern is serving Darkseid, which is surprisingly simple considering you exist solely to dance on the spines of your enemies.
Oh, and Darkseid houses you (in the fiery pits of Apokolips), feeds you (the entrails of your enemies), and provides an ever evolving education (an endless circulation of combat training and death-raining strategies applied via dream loops during hibernation periods) to every single one of his precious recruits. Seriously, submitting your will and accepting the dominance of entropy means you live with very few cares, and enjoy the immaculate freedom from that always burdensome free will.
Any other jobs in the DCU that might greatly reduce your chances of a recurring heartbeat? Let’s hear ’em!