The scientists at S.T.A.R. Labs are here to study the encroaching Metahuman anomaly while taking science to previously undreamed of — and sometimes destructive — heights. Yes, they’re here to help us make sense of, and oft-times contain, the strangeness of our world; a mostly unnoticed job until one of them blows up a continent, usually by accident but occasionally on purpose when science can’t bear to be stifled. Anyway, regardless of the occasional world-splitting ‘eff-up, we truly appreciate all their paradigm-kicking endeavors and direct you to some of our finest S.T.A.R. Labs merchandise conveniently displaying the oddly ubiquitous S.T.A.R. Labs branding.
It’s the S.T.A.R. Labs Logo 39Thirty Hat!
From exquisite hat-maker New Era, this fitted, 95% polyester and 5% spandex hat comes in three sizes and sports a raised and embroidered S.T.A.R. Labs logo. Turn it around, and you’ll see another, albeit smaller but equally raised/embroidered S.T.A.R. Labs logo! One should always wear this hat over the titanium skull cap we gave you since, y’know, super-people tend to break through the ceiling, causing about 400 tons of infrastructure to drop at dizzying speeds from significant heights. We have opening skylights, but Metahumans are an overly dramatic bunch.
It’s the Flash S.T.A.R. Labs Black Hoodie!
Made from 50% cotton and 50% polyester, this quality hoodie sports our magnificently simple and ostentatiously subtle S.T.A.R. Labs logo and related, illustrated indicia. One might think this appropriate during the always dependable Captain Cold confrontations, but…well, that gun reduces everything to absolute zero, so no amount of warmth will re-excite your atoms and incite biological resuscitation.
It’s the Flash Mondo 15oz Mug!
It’s blue! It’s slathered in the bold S.T.A.R. Labs logo complete with the star symbol revealing a certain reactor’s energy pattern after going, like, super-nova and covering 75 city blocks in biology-altering, psychologically invasive energy fluctuations.
Also worth noting: If, while drinking your coffee, you notice a swirling, bubbling, golden and dancing, cognizant ooze in your mug, don’t be alarmed …or disgusted. Barry tends to shed excess Speed Force on occasion and….to put it bluntly, it ends up where it ends up.
It’s the Flash S.T.A.R. Labs Men’s Pajama Pants!
Made from 60% cotton and 40% polyester, these black pants secured by handy-dandy drawstring – by no means a scientific breakthrough but immensely helpful in its simplistic functionality – are perfectly sized providers of increased leg-warmth during sleeping, lounging, or indoor jogging. They’re also great under a certain friction-resistant Flash costume that tends to, unfortunately, completely disintegrate while approaching speeds necessary to navigate the Multiverse. Believe me, they will absolutely save your modesty and mitigate severe embarrassment while speed-kicking a hole through the dimensional membrane separating you from Earth-776.
It’s The Flash S.T.A.R. Labs Black T-Shirt!
Made from 100% cotton, this simple black t-shirt is an essential, everyday article during your professional experience here at S.T.A.R. Labs Why? Well, woven into the fabric are sensitive, computerized particulates that allow us to track your temporal location, your heartrate, your level of anxiety, your efficiency, the number of times you crack your knuckles, shoulders and septum, and the efficacy of lingering Speed Force aura suffusing your immediate environment. Basically, we need to keep track of you, The Flash, The Reverse Flash, and any speedster who wants to whisk you back to the French and Indian War in an effort to have you properly scalped before your ancestors can even begin your lineage, creating a time paradox that will disintegrate at least 75 alternate Earths as the Multiverse struggles to correct itself. Dude, always wear the t-shirt.
It’s The Flash S.T.A.R. Labs Black Tank Top!
Made from 100% cotton, this black tank top, branded with the always important S.T.A.R. Labs logo decided upon by 70 focus groups and a free-thinking logo algorithm tasked with studying the 500 most successful companies and piecing together the most recognizable elements from their legendary, corporate aesthetics….is perfect for when you’re, you know, becoming uncomfortably warm. Which, I have to say, is a lot these days considering you’re developing super-speed and sweating profusely after running the length of the Aegean Sea, up and down the Eiffel Tower, across the Sahara Desert, and just a few thousand miles shy of the moon.
And yes, it’s cooler and more comfortable in the tank top, but might I suggest repeated applications of deodorant? Sonic booms are already intolerable. Sonic stink? Completely avoidable and more than a little rude.
More S.T.A.R. Labs? Fine, check out our complete line of S.T.A.R. Labs merchandise!
