Hi there, folks! It’s me, Deadpool! Marvel’s Regenerating Degenerate? You may have heard about me. I actually have this uncanny ability to break the 4th wall so I understand my place in the world. Also, breaking the 4th wall…some might consider that my super power! Well, that and my devilishly good looks. That’s why I wear this mask, you know? I have to give everybody else a chance but all it does it make me more sexy. I can never seem to win! You know what else makes you sexy, just like me? This fantastic Deadpool watch!
Yes, yes, watches are an important status symbol these days. Everybody is too busy with their cell phones to notice that watches are where it is at…specially if there is only one place you can get them! This great watch features me and will help you get at least 10% more on your mercenary contracts but I would run that by Cable first. He’s kind of my rock in my life, you know? When I say that I mean Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Cable just kind of tosses me down and gives me the People’s Elbow. I think it is his way of just showing me that he cares about me. I have the same kind of relationship with Blind Al and Weasel except they get flying hot tamale elbow drops.
So, why should you get this totally ownage watch because looking hella sexy like myself? Well, you need to be able to tell the time! How else are you going to know when your microwave chimmichangas are done or how will you time out the production of 600-odd some pancakes? Exactly! I’d like to see you try to do that with your cell phone…you’ll just get distracted by all of the pretty ladies on the internet! Oh, pretty ladies on the internet…how I love you. Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah. This watch. You f&*^ing need it.
Adjustable, stylish, and totally reinforced with all sorts of me, the Deadpool watch will impress everybody. You may even impress Lady Death herself which will cause Thanos to curse you with immortality! Wait, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I can never tell…mainly because it is super hard to find delicious Mexican food in the realm of Death. You would think they would at least have a Taco Bell or something in there, right? At least on the bright side of things this watch comes with a year long warranty and should induct you into some varying form of my Deadpool Corps. It is kind of like the Mickey Mouse Club except with more death but about the same amount of comedy and musical numbers. Gotta cover all of my bases, ya know?