Deadpool V Superman: Dawn of…uh…something-something.

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Deadpool v Superman!

No WAY will I EVER hand someone with the ability to kick cows into the sun or dangle geriatrics from Saturn’s rings a free pass to take super-sized dumps on the lush, currently dump-free fields of Americanville! Especially not some doe-eyed, gravity-dismissing ‘helpy-helperton’ with a set of chompers capable of gnawing through a Death Star. NO!! F**CKING!! WAY!! He has the power to BURN US ALL DOWN TO THE GROUND! Sure, he’s saving cats from trees, and shuttling people from over-swelling flood-zones to dry land with a smile and a hearty, “My pleasure, human person!” But…but what if, one day, our appreciation just isn’t enough? What if, one day, someone actually pisses the guy off?

I mean, he can suck your family into his cheeks – facial cheeks, mind you – and blow you into the next freaking state. Do you really think that’s safe? Allowing one person with god-like powers to saunter about unchecked? He’s petting your dog, mowing your lawn and pulling stars from the sky to help decorate your walk-in closet. I know this sounds helpful, and even a little…(*gulp*)…nice, but IS IT SAFE!??? F**K NO!!!

No individual should EVER have that kind of power. Nope. And look what he did to Metropolis!! Are you kidding me? He must have had an especially harrowing day, seeing as he head-butted 200 office buildings and scissor-kicked a children’s hospital into Lake Erie! NO! NOT THE CHILDREN!!!

What can we do?? He can effectively neuter Americanville’s entire military armada with a flash of his eyes, so I ask again: WHAT CAN WE DO???

I’ll tell you what we can do: you can let me, Deadpool, stick a Kryptonite sword down his throat – paralleling his spine – and all the way through to his usually impervious back-door. Yup. And then…then, I’m going to utilize my 36 Kryptonite bear-traps and hurl them right at his super-junk. I get one…just ONE of those to connect? Well, let’s just say the propagation of flying, dictatorial, jheri-curled babies…will no longer be a threatening possibility.

Once effectively emasculated, I’ll make sure to finish the job by running him over with my van, eating crunchy cereal in his ear, and boring him with the latest amateur baseball statistics. Yup.

*DING DING DING*

DEADPOOL WINS!