WANTED: Drax the Destroyer! He’s Mean, Green, and Especially Hateful Towards Metaphors!

WANTED: Drax the Destroyer! He's Mean, Green, and Especially Hateful Towards Metaphors!
WANTED: Drax the Destroyer!
He’s with US!

WANTED! For countless crimes across the galaxy that are in no way acceptable to any sentient, respectable beings trying to live simple, quiet lives unhindered by Walkman-wearing Humans, walking, monosyllabic Flora Colossi, estranged daughters of Thanos, vengeance-seeking, tattooed warriors struggling to comprehend knock-knock jokes, and bipedal, cybernetically altered raccoons gifted with superior military know-how (and mostly illegal data-caches of ear-curdling, alien expletives).

They’re the Guardians of the Galaxy, and yes, they were exonerated, but they’re still behaving unlawfully and in need of immediate re-incarceration!

Today’s briefing focuses on Drax the Destroyer, who will put you AND your carelessly wielded metaphors into headlocks strong enough to crack the black-matter Kirby-Engines propelling Warbird Class Kree destroyers. Anyway, it is vital that you DO NOT ENGAGE! If you see him, call for backup IMMEDIATELY! Your scaly, alien neck will thank you.

WANTED: Drax the Destroyer! He's Mean, Green, and Especially Hateful Towards Metaphors!
Grrrr. I will render your head AND your “knock-knock” jokes into Skrull blood pudding!


Drax, aka “Drax the Destroyer”

Planet of Origin: Unknown

Wanted for inciting and engaging in the unlawful emancipation of several criminals — including himself — from the Nova Corps-sponsored super-prison, the Kyln.

Before imprisonment, Drax was wanted for twenty-two counts of murder and six counts of grievous bodily harm as he cut a swath of epic, immediately legendary destruction across the galaxy to avenge the reported – but certainly not validated – death of his family at the hands of Kree super-general, Ronan the Accuser.

WANTED: Drax the Destroyer! He's Mean, Green, and Especially Hateful Towards Metaphors!
Dirty pool, Ronan.

However, after the Battle of Xandar, it was revealed Ronan was in league with Thanos to facilitate the destruction of Xandar, a revelation providing emotional credence to Drax’s brutal, galactic tour of knee-smashing and lung puncturing. Unfortunately, this does not absolve him from the deaths of twenty-seven upstanding Kree officers and one very upstanding Skrull optometrist whose sole transgression involved wearing Shertbot on Scrattzpud. Never wear Shertbot on Scrattzpud.

Considered armed and extremely dangerous, Drax comes from a tribal, underdeveloped world of enhanced super-combatants who are completely unfamiliar with humor and its multifaceted forms, including sarcasm, metaphors, and the occasional, unexpected volley of farts launched at the dinner table.