(Pssssst. This article is rated PG-13 while aspiring to be R-rated)
Oh, and it’s definitely…NSFW!!
Yeah, so I have this stupid, freaking Deadpool movie coming out and who cares. Whatever. I mean, I like it; I really, really like it, but you’re not going to. Why? Because – and let’s be honest here – I’m a completely unrepentant, unicorn-kicking jack-hole and not the kind of hero one rallies behind. Nope. In fact, I’m quite convinced you’re not going to like me, or my movie, at all. What, you want specific reasons why you’re going to throw a bucket of honey-dipped sh#t balls at the screen?? Fine; I’ll give you reasons, but only five. Admitting this much truth and being this uncharacteristically candid is kind of a drag and nothing short of a preemptive box office killer.
1. Because I’m not usually kind to animals.
There are rare occasions where I consider the plight of tree-trapped kittens, but more often than not I consider them ammunition. Ostensibly I may appear kind, but in actuality I’m leading them into the barrel of my EXTREMELY LARGE animal cannon. Yup. It only fires one shot and it’s a b##ch to reload, but COMPLETELY WORTH IT! You ever see what a burning, scratching cat propelled at 4000 feet per second can do to an especially disruptive super-douche? Yeah, the results are….gloooorious.
2. Because I don’t like you.
All you do is ask for money. Oh, and you always leave me with the kids and expect me to take them to the mall like, seven times a freaking day. Why can’t they just shop online and remain completely disassociated from any genuine sense of community like everyone else?? And furthermore, you snore like a ravaged, corpulent giraffe. What does a ravaged, corpulent, snoring giraffe sound like? YOU!!
3. Because I don’t recycle.
Nope; I don’t believe in it. In fact, I do things just to spite our environment. Like what? Well, sometimes I take a crap the size of a puppy in the kiddie pool. The kids usually name it and try to teach it tricks, but poop-puppy only bubbles, squirts and stinks. Really, the only thing poop-puppy is good for is transmitting disease via the fecal-oral route. Look it up.
4. Because I prefer chimichangas to human beings.
A chimichanga is there to be consumed, taste good, and grant one a sense of fulfillment; it does all this without a single, solitary complaint. You replace the word “chimichanga” with “person,” and apparently you’re fodder for the Mexican Mafia at some maximum security prison located somewhere below sea level. WHAT THE !@#$!!??? YOU CAN’T EAT PEOPLE??? And here I thought thinning the herd was nature’s way of strengthening the gene pool.
5. Because I couldn’t stand Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
In fact, I absolutely HATED IT!! I mean, C’MON, ABRAMS!! Yes, I may have weaseled my way into Rogue One, but GOOD GRIEF, that movie was terrible. Is the Empire capable of building super-weapons OTHER than Death Stars? And if not, can they at least look into improving the whole “shield” situation?? Holy glistening, bubbling BUTT-SAUCE! Here’s a thought: stop putting all your marbles into one..uh..Death Star. Sure, you can LEAD with the Death Star, allowing the Rebels to task their entire force with its destruction. And then, when they do destroy it (because yes, the shields are for sh*t), and during their victory lap around…whatever cluster of planets they happen to be around…you release THIS space-faring, mechanized mother-f####r!!!
Good NIGHT Rebellion!
Sooooo, I guess if you’re still interested in my film (SADISTS!) I’ll see you 2/12.
Sure, I’ll take your money. Deadpool’s gotta’ eat things besides people, apparently.